I’ve Had The Rug Pulled Out From Underneath Me

I was cruising along, having good days and bad, and then…….


I found some things that were helping me get through my days and then forced isolation changed everything.

I could no longer do the things that were helping me. I was forced to deal with the feelings that I hadn’t completely delved into. I had forgotten to tend to my grief while I was just trying to get through my days and it came back to bite me.

I’ve said this more than once, no one in their right mind would willingly sit in this kind of pain. I have had days that I literally feel like I could crawl out of my skin. It hurts way too much. Everywhere I look, I see reminders of Jackson. This social isolation has made his absence a million times more obvious.

Ivan has no one to play with.

“Ivan has no one, but us.”

And trust me, I guarantee they would be arguing, but at least they would have each other. Except now, Ivan has no one, but us. Thankfully, he has been okay with being at home and hasn’t been asking to play with anyone. But he does want us to entertain him all day. I couldn’t do that before Jackson died and I certainly can’t do it now that my grief is at an all-time high and the world is in chaos.

Quarantining from the COVID-19 has brought me back to the first month of my grief. I did not leave the house for an entire month. I didn’t have to but I couldn’t either. People were bringing me food, doing my laundry, helping us take care of basic life tasks. I felt safe in my home because it was familiar and predictable. Now I’m being forced not to leave the house and I am back in total shock and denial about Jackson’s death.

It wasn’t all that long ago that I went through a major trauma, which was completely out of my control. Now, our world, is going through a major trauma and I have been triggered.

I am working on ways to deal with my newfound anxiety and some days are better than others. Right now, I’m taking the days as they come. Some days, I may feel energetic and ready to tackle anything. On others, I just want to lay on the couch.

My family will do anything we can to get through our days.

What other option do we have?

On one distressing day, we pulled up our carpet, painted the living room walls, and put down laminate wood flooring. We needed the change.

I’m trying to learn to be more self-reliant because I depended on my community to do all of the things that I was unable to do. Well now, my community has their own life issues to deal with so they aren’t as readily available. I don’t believe they have completely abandoned me but I realize they have their own battles to fight.