I was in total shock and denial for at least the first 6 weeks. I thought for sure that I would see him come down the hallway and say good morning mom. I shook my head in disbelief so much I’m surprised my head didn’t swivel off of my neck. I did not leave the house because there is no way I could face any kind of reality. I was so grateful to have so many people loving on us, bringing us meals and groceries, doing laundry, cleaning the house. I can’t even recall if I gave my 3 year old a bath during that time. My memory is so fuzzy and I couldn’t remember what I was going or who was coming over or when. I have no idea how our bills got paid. The pain was unbearable. It felt as though someone was cutting me with a filet knife every second of the day until I was so tired from crying that I collapsed into bed. Then I would wake up, look in the mirror and weep in agony that this was not in fact a nightmare I could wake up from.